Last night I imagined myself a spirit floating through the Douglas fir trees on a darkened mountain road. Spectres can’t bleed, but I imagined the branches scratching my face. I imagined the lines such scratches would make. Thin and red, slightly raised and rough to the touch. It seemed pretty to me, that image. I imagined the trees gently, gently scraping my cheeks as I drove through them in the very dark of a narrow road, the crescent moon & my head lights the only luminescence. A deer hemmed and hawed on the embankment. I slowed. She walked past, another ghost. I was heavy, tired. Bored by the thought of absolutely everything. The thought of hearing myself talk suffocated me. The thought of listening to anyone else talk, the same. I thought about Truman Capote. Felt extraneous. Thought again about the woods. Thought about life before social media with acute pain. I missed it deeply, that time before. My mind jumped. I remembered a new years in the woods in 2003 when phones made phone calls and we still took photos with those cheap disposable cameras from the Eckerd’s .
A bunch of college kids, a bonfire, and a cabin in the woods. Beer, drugs, and less sex than you’d think. The boy I gave the LSD to, well he didn’t really float, but he, a new born demon, did fly through the woods with a single minded madness and the disjointed kaleidoscopic intent of one who has, perhaps two hours prior, ingested psychotropic bits of paper some girl in a ski vest from the 70’s and a Peeky Blinder’s looking news boy cap brought up to Tennessee from New Orleans in a Death Cab for Cutie CD case. Tore his shirt, showed up bleeding and wild eyed sometime later in the night. I, eyes dilated and lips only curled, shrugged and said I couldn’t be blamed and couldn’t be bothered. I wasn’t going to babysit, I said. He’ll be fine. I think I woke up in the floor that morning and went to Waffle House for breakfast. I didn’t kiss anyone that night. There were entire universes, lifetimes you could fall into if you kissed someone on LSD. I didn’t like it. So I didn’t kiss anyone, not at midnight, not at any time. I was probably only 19 or so and found myself at a cabin in the woods on Monteagle Mountain, the same mountain I found myself floating through last night, that one New Year’s Eve. The bonfire was towering and roared all night, and it was the year that Outkast song “He Ya!” was topping the charts. I found myself lots of places on New Years Eves, but honestly, that’s the only one I can remember without trying. I don’t much feel like trying. I shake my head. How is it the only New Year’s Eve I can remember is eleven years ago?
Then I remember another. I wore a sequin dress and made buttons all night, the kind you pin on your lapel, to the various sounds of LCD Soundsystem and The Unicorns. My life turned on that night like a dime, but I wouldn’t know it until probably a decade later. Time, I think, like a child. It destroys everything in the most delicate way. It takes away your pain, and you don’t mourn the worlds you’ve lost. Time breeds indifference, and for that it is the kindest monster any of us will ever know. Another year comes now through the forest and with it new cares and new forgetfulness. The future preys upon the past and we, unawares, build bonfires in the present. I could smell the smoke in my hair for days. And then it was gone.
Photos by Tiffany Mitchell at Brash Coffee in Chattanooga, TN.
Wearing: Hat & Capote Coat by Lauren Manoogian; Linn Sweater & Florecne Pant by Elizabeth Suzann; boots by Coclico; bag, Sac 1 by Agnes Badoo, bracelet by Giant Lion
That huge natural handbag on the floor?LINK?info on it.I notice in one of your pics also your knitted LOOPY MANGO shawl.lu it, want to make one this winter. Pinterest.com/islanddp ck it out.
it’s by agnes badoo : )
Your words, Beth. Your words!!
The fourth picture from the top- amazing!
All the pics are amazing!
You and the location are so beautiful. Love it
greetings
dragana
your words are such raw poetry and Im sure I have said before that we need more of it. it is refreshing, in it’s entirety, the truth.
the bag is absolutely lovely……..
xx ~ashley
Beautiful, as always.
can i come hang out with you and have a cup of coffee in that oh so sweet looking cafe
and then
can i borrow that coat
These are all such beautiful pieces, I adore the grey jacket! Lovely photos as usual too!
Tessa / Bramble & Thorn
Beth this post is so achingly beautiful. Really loved your writing
I love the photos, and the way you are dressed in them, it seems so you, so… naturally stylish and unique. I wouldn’t be caught dead in those pieces, as I would looke like a ball, but I love seeing it on you and a couple of 3 or 4 more women I know that can really pull off those beautiful garments, so organic and so luxurious looking. As for the words, my… I was taken aback to a couple of NYE of mine, when I was younger and there was no social media as well – and sometimes I feel I liked life better without that, but then again, I realised back then I was even more of a lone wolf, a lost soul, feeling like I did not belong anywhere, could not relate to anyone, social media has allowed me to find individuals I feel I can understand and who make me feel less alone in my quirks and less of an alien! I wish time would breed indifference in me, it does not, I wish it would bring forgetfullness, it does not. It does bring some sort of relief, as I look back and think “I’m glad I’m not back there anymore, I’m glad I’ve moved on, grown, evolved, bettered or worsened myself.” because I am a firm believer that sometimes we have to worsen ourselves to improve. And that is what I love about reading your words, they make me think, and ponder and analyse myself, they make me wonder if I might not be stuck seeing things the same old, same old way and if I am in need of a fresh point of view…
http://bloglairdutemps.blogspot.pt
beautiful words…
Ok, you kinda lost me on that one. There was a time when your wild thoughts and actions were, unfortunately, in sync. I am grateful that you can explore your inner self, write about it, and yet pull off a perfectly socially acceptable life, congratulations are in order.
I love the style, I love the light, I love the place! Amazing photos!
whoa, you look like a piece of art in those photos! i’d never know how to pair those pants but you made it look so classic and wearable.
http://www.theeyetraveller.blogspot.com
You are too stylish for words Beth! SO effortlessly chic!
Beautiful , but I sense somehow you are a little awkward, avoiding the camera. Understandable – with such a spirit, it needs a little protecting.
Let the colour , or rather, let the light, in – it would be glorious to see you explore those and I am certain it will not detract from the words at all.
Anna
love this, your writing and photos are easily my favorites right now.
I don’t really know what to say, I just know that I want to comment; you write with such raw honesty, it always moves me, perhaps it is the recognition of my life as it once was, but whatever it is, thank you for always sharing as you do.
Beth, You are wonderful and amazing. The way you write is so special… it bring the reader even closer to the story. Truly wonderful.
-Paul
Dear Beth,
I’ve been reading your blog religiously for what must be about 2 years now, despite having little to no interest in cooking (I love eating though! The photos make me drool) – your writing is so incredible that it’s almost irrelevant to me what your actual official topic is.
As a fickle Consumer of Other People’s Lives on the Internet, I keep expecting to lose interest – since your aesthetic is quite different from mine and I am too lazy for recipes – but when you write posts like this it nearly stops my heart with all the beauty and the dark and the recognition, and I know that I will keep reading for as long as you keep writing. I would kill to be able to translate my insides into the outside like you can!
Anyway. Apart from just adding my voice to all the others here who love what you do, what I really wanted to say is please, PLEASE write a book. I don’t mean the recipe book which I think you’ve mentioned you’re currently working on – although I’m sure for all the cooks who legitimately read your blog, this will be a triumph – I mean a novel, or a memoir. A book that is dark and beautiful and real, and necessary. The world would be infinitely better with such a book by you in it.
This might be kind of a weird message to send to a total stranger, but I ‘ve been thinking it for ages and, well, if you don’t ask you don’t get eh!!
Happy New Year!
Flick x
I like the weird message. I especially like the proper nounage of “Consumer of Other People’s Lives on the Internet”. Thank you. I loathe my own writing, most especially on the blog, because I can’t spend any real time crafting or editing it. But that’s par for the course for anyone who writes, I think. Which is all to say it’s really nice when someone says what you said. Writing matters to me more than the rest of it, and it’s a little sad because it’s what I have the least time for. It gets put on the back burner. One day I’ll write something that has nothing at all to do with cookery. Likely under a pen name. I’ll let you know. But it’ll be in five years. Or a decade. Or two.
Woop!
If that is your writing WITHOUT crafting or editing, it’ll be worth the wait – I’ll look forward to hearing from you in 2020 / 2025 / 2035!! 🙂
Wishing you a wonderful 2015, Beth! Thank you for all the inspiration in 2014. I’m sure the new year will see even more of it.
Hugs from the chilly and dark Nordic winter,
Sini
please write a book. good god i would buy it in a heartbeat! looking forward to another year of beauty and wisdom from your words and photographs. happy new year to you!
Time “takes away your pain, and you don’t mourn the worlds you’ve lost.” And in that same way, it readies you for worlds you have yet to excavate. Here’s to a year ahead for you of getting time to plumb the places that wait to be explored. Happy New Year’s, Beth.
Happy New Year Beth! Thanks for such a dark and beautifully written post. I don’t remember most of my New Years’ Eves either, although I do remember splitting my (fake) leather trousers on NYE 1999!
beautiful photos! I immediately had to look up the bag and was wondering if the one in the picture is sac 2 rather than than sac 1 in natural leather?
Lovely. Glad you noted the details; I had to do a bit of research and found the Capote coat here for anyone else interested: http://totokaelo.com/lauren-manoogian. The color you’re wearing is sold out. Nice to see quality clothing. I love the cafe, the lighting, your style.
You + the light in these photos. Stunning.
xxChristie
http://www.KiKiMac.me
Incredible story and beautiful photos, what light!
Beth, that handbag/tote.Looks hand made?It is amazing.Debra/Mass Island
You look like Greta Garbo in photo no. 4 of the second batch. Aka very beautiful
So beautiful! Do you ever sell your clothes Beth? And more specifically, that coat? Its divine!
Beautifully written …delicate dark and lovely. You defiantly took me back to my own wild youth in the seventies, high in the mountains of Colorado on LSD. Life was so innocent then, but now I have wisdom, and children and grandchildren… time softens the edges , like a beautifully worn garment. Thank you for this eloquent bit of writing…