A couple of weeks ago, I wove a crown of flowers from local blooms as a farewell to the Estival Mother, a pretty little meditation on my gratitude for the swell of summer and all her wild, wild flowers. It was a study in a moments peace, and a nod to the fine tradition of floral wreaths that stretches back and back through May Days and Midsommers, through feast days and ceremonies. I don’t have long, languid hours stretched out before me to weave daisy chains. I doubt that any of us do. That’s a fantasy. But what I do have is a choice, and I chose, one afternoon, to say to hell with that load of laundry, I’m going to spend some time with these mad little poems and their spindly stems and nodding heads. I set to weaving them together with a bit of floral wire and within a few minutes, I had a crown. It was actually unbelievably satisfying. And I traipsed around in it doing the rest of the days work like a manic faery. I created a tutorial over on the Steller app (which, if you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you know I’m obsessed with…download it now on your iphone or ipad and you’ll know why!) So if you’d like like a step by step “How to Weave a Floral Crown”, you can find it there. As for here, you’ll just find photos of flowers and musings on peace below.
Yesterday evening, I asked the universe about the path to peace. Serenity, the first thing I ever prayed for when I took to whatever one means by “praying” again. I remember it well, that first prayer three years ago in my little room in the half-way house that was built to look like a log cabin, a large log cabin with plenty of locks and certainly no sharps and safes in the back where all our meds lived. I’d just been wrest out of the grips of a very fine dipsomania, and these are the sorts of places one ends up after that. I was so excited to be out of in-patient and in that house because I could cook there. I was desperate to cook. There was a grill out back flanked by rocking chairs where we chain smoked, and I dreamt of grilling eggplant with nothing but salt & oil. It find it spongy, and I don’t even like it that much, but for some reason I romanced smoky, salty eggplant. It seemed to me at the time to be the entirety of the dream of normal. So I grilled on the days they’d let us and started praying & making inspirational collages out of Better Homes & Garden’s clippings—that’s the sort of thing they make you do in treatment. I prefer my floral wreaths. Those first prayers were nothing but a silent, furtive plea for peace. I didn’t pray for success. I didn’t pray for love. And trust me, I had neither. I didn’t even pray for forgiveness. Just for some preternatural silence to fall on my heart. That’s how I always imagined it being. Like some sort of kind cotton.
Maybe I found it and lost it. Or maybe I never found. Or maybe I never lost it. But again, last night, I prayed for serenity, to be shown that path to peace. The answer seemed, at first, obtuse. Three images are what the universe gave me, as it often does, because that’s how I talk with that “wild unknown”. I wondered at The Fool, and he, spread eagle and looking to me quite golden, wondered back. It meant nothing. There he was splayed on the dining room table betwixt swords of ruin and disks of worry, all golden and tangled in umbilical cords with some senseless red tiger gnawing at his leg. The collective unconscious utterly failed me, and I saw nothing but technicolor bad omens. And I know better than that. The future’s too shimmering a thing for omens of any sort.
It took me a full 24 hours to hear the answer: wonder, not fear. Create out of wonder not fear. The tiger gnawing at you is fear. Fruit born out of fear is bitter. Only what you create out of joy & wonder will be sweet. And there you will find peace. And by create I don’t just mean a photo, a dinner, or a crown of flowers. I mean, rather, that mad edifice built of the impossible geometry of yourself in relation to the rest of creation, that thing I call, unthinking, “my life”. What a strange phrase. Can we even talk about our lives as an object? Or is that such an impossibly abstract concept that one direct glance at it renders it nothing but a flurry of petals?
There are many reasons people create. They aren’t all savory. Insecurity and fear can drive people to all sorts of perilous heights and they do. But every success will turn to ash in their mouths. And each time I feel insidious fear creeping up my spine or twisting in my belly, I remember that faith yields meaning, purpose, and fearlessness. And that, in the end, there is no tiger. It’s not real. There is only light, suspension, and total realization. The only real things are flowers in my hair, morning tea, breathing, his skin, her smile. My unborn niece. A plane to catch. A clean load of laundry. That I can say to hell with if I please. It’s all so spacious, so much room to breath, to flow, to be.
This is so beautiful and you look like a fairy queen 🙂
“I mean, rather, that mad edifice built of the impossible geometry of yourself in relation to the rest of creation, that thing I call, unthinking, ‘my life’.”
These words.
Thank you.
That is so beautiful I have nothing to say. o_o
WOW!! I read every word and you are a brave soul. I haven’t traveled your path but from what I read your journey has been arduous but you are finding your way. You have such talent that whatever you want to call it – God or some Superior Being has given to you. Every journey begins with the first step — I have decided to Believe — that is what’s on my bracelet. Believe you’ll find peace and serenity — that will help if you do have dark days. I simply love your photo arrangements. Have a serene day.
Your words, as always, weave a tale of beauty and paint a picture of serenity. I deeply admire your spirit and believe that you did indeed find an apt way to bid August farewell and usher in September.
I just wrote “Create out of wonder, not fear” on a Post-it note and put it in next to my computer.
This wreath, your honesty, and writing inspire me.
May all you wishes (and prayers) come true.
Cheers!
“I remember that faith yields meaning, purpose, and fearlessness.” Amen to that! It’s very important to keep/renew the faith! Thanks.
Beautiful.
Inside out.
” Can we even talk about our lives as an object? Or is that such an impossibly abstract concept that one direct glance at it renders it nothing but a flurry of petals?”
“And each time I feel insidious fear creeping up my spine or twisting in my belly, I remember that faith yields meaning, purpose, and fearlessness.”
Thank you for such a brave and inspiring piece of writing. Your words, the photos, the evocative and meditative task of weaving flowers all work together to create some sense of peace and magic in this post.
I love this idea! Can’t wait to make one for my daughter! Beautiful!
This post is like a breeze of fresh air, a moment of wonder. Thank you. And yay to weaving flower crowns! xo
Such a beautiful, floral crown. And she will wear on her head, a crown of flowers, not a thorn amongst them…. Beautiful, soulful words too. Helped me slow my thoughts and just breathe. Thanks.
Love you.
Your photography always moves me <3
So inspiring. You have an amazing way of writing that I look up to. Thank you.
this is a beautiful post & idea.. of course i had to pin these images many times!
you and…
thoughts that fit into words ….
I can’t come up with the words….but the thoughts are there…
ironic.
start over…….
it is so amazing, your life, and that you find the words that can express feelings and realities that I stumble over and delete
do you delete
do you go over and over your words
or do they come all at once
in a rush
perfectly formed and
expressive to a T?
kindred spirit tell me your secret
Your crafting of words (and the thoughts behind them) are beautiful Beth. For us Southern Hemisphere dwellers, this post is perfect for the beginning of Spring. My three little girls (and their mama) will love this.
Beth, I may not know you, but I know something of your struggle; not all of it, of course, but perhaps, a smidge. I know that there are few things I can say to match up to what you have written, even less to make it more beautiful than it is. So, I tell you this:
You, I, we, are here, now. And I know the thrash of this tigers’ claws, but there are thousands of flowers waiting for their manic-faerie-to-be to pluck them so that they might soften that burn. And life may be a flurry of petals, but here, you have pinned those petals down into something, vaguely put, beautiful. And you are wearing it. You are wearing your life in control. And that is something to be reckoned with.
This is the most wonderful farewell to the summer that I’ve seen thus far! Your creation is beautiful – what a lovely way to use flowers. I hope that you are feeling much better, with flowers brightening up any darkness in your days. xx
Such a beautiful ode to the small things that make up our days and urge us forward. And to the spirit of summer, which I’m also squirreling away for cooler days as best I can before it’s gone. Thank you, Beth.
Wow, wow and once more wow! It makes you look so fae and magical!
Guess what? I love you so much.
Exactly. Thank you for writing.
Thanks for putting in words what I’m feeling inside. I love your blog!
Thak you for being a Light.
Such beautiful images. Might be the loveliest, just-pictures tutorial ever.
That is beautiful. And inspirational. Thank you.
beautiful photographs, inspiring words.
lovely, Beth! 🙂
I think it’s wonderful that you share the deepest things in your life. 🙂 And that floral crown is amazing! I was actually wondering how to make one the other day, too. Hah! You read my mind.
I remember veawing gorgeously golden crowns using dandelions…so long ago…so simple and soothing. Photographs- as awlays, take my breath away!
Yes, yes. Obsessed with Steller, obsessed with florals, but most of all just obsessed and enchanted by your photography. When I grow up I want to be you Beth. Except I’m possibly already older…
Thank you!!! Prayer and becoming aware was my saving grace from that tiger. I feel like you are my sister i’ve always known and just met. Thank you sooo much for this beautiful post… love & light
I’m absolutely stunned by the beauty of your words – thank you!
Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked
submit my comment didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
Regardless, just wanted to say great blog!
I could read this for the rest of my life and still love it. Charming prose.
You’re an inspiration.